I’m incensed; outraged . . . ready to scream in bewilderment over the insanity that the Delta Airlines Sky Club calls their entrance policy. For those of you who are unaware of what this V.I.P “clubhouse” is all about; it’s essentially a walled-off room-- from the rest of the airport-- that features free coffee, pretzels, carrot sticks, red wine, Wi-Fi and a clean bathroom. I’ve been trying for years to get into this ridiculous club and every time I think I have “the right stuff”, I get turned away at the door. I guess it’s only fair, at this point, to explain the various ways to gain entry into this exclusive airport country club; but, before I do, I can personally confirm that flying 75,000 miles in one calendar year and achieving Delta “Platinum Elite Sky Priority” status is not one of them. You actually need 125,000 miles of travel (Diamond Priority Status) or you can pay a yearly membership fee of $450. A platinum business American Express card (that costs $450 annually) or a Delta American Express Reserve card (costing $450 annually) will also get you past the executive check-in desk, but more on that later.
Truth be told, I never wanted to lower my pride and pay some ridiculous fee to go hang out with what I perceived to be a group of snobby rich people. Therefore, many of my numerous attempts over the years to sneak into the club were in vain because I just wasn’t willing to fork over a single nickel. But after getting stuck in way too many airports for hours at a time, in 2010 I decided to go for the extra money and upgrade my American Express card to “Platinum” so that I’d have the added benefits of getting into this mysterious Sky Club (along with 2 guests of my choice). I still remember the first day I received my Platinum Business American Express card in the mail. I stared at it as though it were some secret pass into a world I had never been privy to. And, quite frankly, I couldn’t wait to get to LaGuardia Airport that following weekend so I could take it for a test-run at the Delta Sky Club. I remember it like it was yesterday; I left the insanity of the airline terminal and passed through a set of elegant sliding glass doors into a dreamy world of peace and quiet. I patiently waited on the line of people in fancy business suits; delusionally thinking to myself, “This is where I belong”. Finally, when it was my turn, I stepped up to the desk and flashed my hot-off-the-press shiny American Express Platinum card—my round-trip ticket to Shangri-La-- right in front of the Delta customer service agent’s aristocratic-looking face.
With an annoyed look, she responded quickly and succinctly, “Boarding pass!” Feeling a little nervous and unsure of myself because things had gone a little too smoothly to this point, I pulled a crumpled piece of paper out of my pocket and, coolly, handed it to her.
“Sorry. . .”
“Sorry, what?” I fired back 
With an air of indigence she replied, “Sorry, we can’t admit you; you’re flying United!”
“Yeah, United; in 3 hours. I wanna relax till then. Is something wrong with my Platinum card? Did it turn the wrong color or something?”
“Sorry, only Delta customers can come into the lounge.”
“Platinum Sky Priority—75,000 mile of travel per year—doesn’t make me a Delta customer?”
Dismissively, she muttered, “Next!”
And the ongoing saga of rejection continued at the hands of yet another smug-faced, glorified, receptionist. Eventually, I did manage to make it into the enigmatic Sky Club and for a few years, things went pretty smoothly. I brought guests. I ate meals in some of the fancier international clubs. I even showered in the Australian sky club lounge. But, as they say, all good things eventually come to an end.
What do I mean by that? Conventional wisdom would have you think it should get easier, not harder, as the years progressed. After all, I learned to have all the necessary “paperwork” ready when I entered the club. I grew familiar with the layouts of the various lounges. I, even, started to recognize some of the check-in desk crew. I was even so naive as to believe that these same people I despised only a few years earlier were actually my friends.
My days of confidently cruising the Delta Sky Clubs of the world recently came to a screeching halt on March 1, 2014. This was my day of reckoning. For it was from this day forth that even the most expensive American Express credit cards became about as useful as a supermarket discount coupon at granting you privileges at the Delta Sky Club. According to the new rules, my “ticket to airport paradise” fell by the wayside when Delta and American Express decided that the two premier American Express cards should only allow a single person (the cardholder) to enter the sky club. Therefore, if you were packing Platinum Elite Sky Priority status (something that you would have to have spent at least $7,500 in flights for), with a Platinum American Express Business card ($450 annually), and Delta American Express Reserve Card ($450 annually), you’d think you had the enough fire power to get your wife and you in for some peanuts and a private bathroom stall prior to boarding your flight. But, in the new post March 1, 2014 era, that’s just not the case. Believe me; I tried. Nowadays, if you wanna bring a guest, you have to pay an additional $29 fee. That’s right, it’s not enough that they already have $8,400 of my money; they want more. Do they really need another $29? It’s not that I can’t afford it; because I certainly can. It’s just the disrespect and high-falutin air of superiority they project whenever you walk into one of these clubs. They love to make you feel as though you’re not good enough to gain entrance into their little specialty lounge.
Never one to back down from a good debate, I decided to challenge their “ruling”. I was slightly confused as to why I couldn’t use my Platinum Business Amex card for my entry into the club and my Delta Reserve Amex card for my girlfriend’s admittance. After all, I had two completely different cards that granted me free access. I was told that because my girlfriend’s name wasn’t on any of the cards, they just couldn’t do it. Her name wasn’t on the card? Of course it wasn’t. My company’s name is on the card! It’s a business card! Why would her name or anyone else’s name be on the card? I’m the one paying the bills. Let’s think about this scenario for a second. Why can’t I bring a second person into this ridiculous Sky Club if I’m stupid enough to pay for two separate top-tier credit cards (when I only really need one)? The true answer is; they didn’t want to let her in. I can’t explain how frustrating and embarrassing it is to try negotiating at the check-in desk with employees that are mindless, brainwashed, company drones.
Well, after wasting several minutes of my life ensnared in a looping conversation with this front desk nincompoop, I realized that I might as well be arguing with a doorknob. The real truth of the matter is that it’s not the underpaid employees fault; it’s the snob-infused policies of an airline that prides itself as the company that “keeps climbing” when, in fact, it’s true hidden agenda is of the company that “keeps falling”. . . falling deeper into the sewers of frugalness. . . taking away all the promised benefits they extol as setting themselves apart from all the other airlines.
After all this venting and releasing of pent-up aggression and frustration, the question remains, what do I do now? To be honest; I’m rushing home to call American Express. I think I may be able to convince them to add my girlfriend’s name to the Delta American Express Reserve card (without the fee). I know what you’re thinking; I know. After all my bitching and complaining about the social injustices of the Delta Sky Club policies for the last several paragraphs, you’re wondering why would I even want to cross the threshold into this elitist institution again? Well, the answer just may lie in the antithesis to the old Groucho Marx joke that ribs, “I wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would have someone like me as a member”. Unfortunately, I have a yearning to belong to every club that won’t have someone like me as a member. It’s either that or the fact that I’m going to Acapulco next weekend and I have a layover at the Dallas-Ft Worth Airport and the thought of hanging out in McDonalds for 8 hours is just too much to bear!
