I vividly remember being 13. Not because I got a new Honda 50, or was allowed to ride the train home by myself for the first time, or got invited to a party that wasn't a birthday, or any of the other cool things associated with finally becoming a teenager. No, while all that was indeed noteworthy, 13 was a pivotal age because it was the year I found out what to do with all those pesky little erections I was getting. A kid at school told me about this thing his big brother taught him to do, and I went home and tried it. That winter was a busy one. Cuming of age in that regard not only brings relief, but also fosters the use of perhaps the greatest lie mankind ever told: "What?, Me? Jerk-off? No way, man!" Looking back, I'm amazed the damn thing didn't fall off, but denial was standard in the early days of manhood. No one wanted to admit it but the practice was rampant.
That surge of early-teen testosterone is some wicked shit with some really nasty side effects-- acne, your voice sounds like Darth Vader on helium, that chocolate milk stain growing on your top lip, foolish macho behavior, etc.-- which, when presented to the opposite sex, makes you less desirable, and thus even less likely to finally get what you really need-- some pussy. Up until you finally did get it, that pussy was a driving force that had you nearly beat your wanker to a pulp. That first belt of test is a very strong drink indeed. As natural levels rise with each passing day, it's profound effect can be felt about every couple of minutes when your mind drifts away from whatever occupied it to dreaming about that pussy; and, many times, needing to tend the angry member. Or did the hard-on spawn the nasty thoughts? Either way, just ask a normal 16 or 17-year old dude what he's thinking about right now. If he's honest, there is a .001% chance he won't say "pussy."
It's easy to forget those days, isn't it? Most normal men will go right on through life and never once be reminded of how grievously torturous adolescence really was and how many mid-teen hard-ons went wasted. Perhaps that's one of the benefits to naturally declining testosterone levels? I don't know, but if you are a bodybuilder on androgens, then you have relived some of the feelings nature had intended you to forget. Some of you go through it a couple of times a year and have come up with some creative means to make sure that you get that extra cake you're going to need-- and eat it too- when the test kicks in.
With the exception of a brief stint on Sustanon 250 and Anadrol back in the early 80s, the rest of the gear I had ever used had been of the non-androgen variety-- Deca, Primo, and EQ. I never did a really hardcore androgen cycle until my early 40s. Well, by today's standards, this might be the lower end of "hardcore" but it's hardcore all the same-- 1000 mg of test a week with up to 400 mg of an anabolic steroid for 8 weeks. After 8 weeks I'd switch to another similar combo using slightly different test esters and anabolic agents. After 8 weeks change it again. Then after that third 8 weeks is up, go off and get on PCT. That's pretty standard today and many guys I know are somewhere in one of those eight-week phases. If I was gearing up for a show that's exactly what I'd be doing too. For now, even on my lowly replacement dose, the shit works. No doubt about it. The only doubt I have is how long I'm going to be able to stand this constant conversation my dick is having with me if my year-long pussy drought continues.
Don't get me wrong. I love the feeling of power in the gym, the sense of wellbeing, and the ability to come back day after day for a brutal workout and hit it again just as hard every time. And I like how pumped and sore I feel by the middle of the week. It definitely looks cool too, and there's no doubt that looks will get you things, at least they should if it's put out there. But, for whatever reason, I'm not; hence I'm having to wrestle with this constant desire to fuck. I seem to have forgotten what that was like back in the day, and for this reason alone I would never agree to live my life over again if it included years that ended in "teen".
I remember when these symptoms first popped up during my first cycle similar to the one above. A friend of mine in the gym-- three years older than me-- asked what I was on and wanted to go on a similar cycle. I told him what to take and he reported back that he had done what I suggested. Later I found out he was lying to me-- he was "only" taking 500 mg of Sustanon and 200 mg of Deca. He was doing half of what he was supposed to! Fucker. He didn't seem to miss much though. He definitely blew up. I remember commenting one day saying, "Hey bro, the shit looks like it's working."
"Yeah," He said. "I gained almost 6 kilos." That's 13 pounds and change for the non-metric.
"Have you noticed anything in the way of side effects?" I asked.
He pointed to his shoulder and said, "Just these few little zits."
These were zits I would have been proud to have had on my forehead when I was 16. They were just a few barely visible little red bumps. Most of those were in-grown hairs from shaving his arms. But, that wasn't what I meant. "how about your sex drive?"
"Oh, my god," he said. "You don't know... it's like being 15 again... I get a raging boner every five minutes... I got sex on the brain constantly... on top of fucking my girl three times a day."
Three times a day?! That's because he wasn't married to her. He got all the ass he wanted. Science has proven that wedding cake drastically reduces sex drive in women. I don't care who you're married to; she ain't going three times a day-- at least not for very long. Even if she did it wouldn't be enough. They say scrotal coals will drive a man to the end of the universe, but I don't think even Gene Roddenberry could have imagined a place more far away than where satisfaction lies for a guy on over a gram of test per week locked in the house with a wife he thinks is all that.
Aware as I am of what's happening to me, I'm also keenly aware of how some of you deal with it. I know several big test junkies who only hang with hardcore bodybuilder chicks. In fact, a non bodybuilder friend of mine recently commented that he's noticed a lot of the big juiced guys he's met through me are hooked up with big gnarly chicks. That's because the best thing for a test sensitive horn dawg is a chick on juice. They are about the only ones who will understand, and more than likely share, your insatiable urges. They might also pose some other, less attractive, signs that the wrong hormone is coursing through thier blood. However, in a lot of cases it still looks like a pretty good deal. If you're into it, you'll never have to jack-off.
Then I know a guy who regularly cycles big doses of test who keeps a gumada in an apartment in town. When his wife won't give it up he visits the gumada. Sometimes it's the other way around. This option doesn't come cheap though. I don't know many guys who can afford such a luxury. My friend says, "There is no end to this chick. Every day she 'needs.' She needs the jeans, and then she needs the shoes, and the sunglasses, or she needs more girly shit in high-priced bottles with names I can't pronounce. It's always something. This chick costs me a grand a day."
"Ay, Papi!," I said, jokingly but not really surprised. "You know, hookers are way cheaper."
He clicked on his computer and said, "Yeah? You think? Look over here!" I got up and leaned on the edge of his desk to get the proper angle. On the screen were about six pictures of this insanely beautiful babe. He said, "No way you going to buy that for less than a grand a day, bro."
While I never quite had such an item on my wish list, this chick looked worth every cent. It looked like it would cost a thousand bucks just to dream about her. I couldn't imagine knowing that in the midst of a hell torn house with two screaming kids and a list of honey-do's a mile long from a wife wearing one of your tee-shirts-- with her hair in a bun and this mask thing smeared on her face-- that there is this waiting for you. Even on no extra test, that would be a sweet deal if you had the bucks to set it up and keep it quiet. Most of us don't.
So what are the options? There really isn't much, unless you are hooked up with a jacked up bodybuilder chick or otherwise insatiable nympho, or have the capitol to invest in hookers and gumadas. Most of us have just two options left: With Zen-like acuity you could will these hard-ons flaccid and purge your mind of carnal thoughts. It might take a trip or two to Tibet, but it could be done. Your second option is the method you perfected during your teens. Whacking off! That's right, crush that motherfucker! Greg Valentino told me he yanked his pole five times a day on test. Yo, it gets that bad. Whether or not you succumb to the urge as much (or as little) as espoused by my esteemed colleague, one way or another pull is going to come to yank, and then you just gotta get that shit out. If you can get a woody thumbing through People magazine, then you know what I mean.
Now, mind you, there is no need, medically speaking, to purge your John Thomas every few hours. I don't think there is a practicing steroid guru who hasn't been questioned about whether or not one should make sure they cum at least three times a day (they mean whack-off) to keep their nuts working; keep them from shrinking, or otherwise impede their existence while on test. The answer has always been the same. No - there is no connection to ejaculation frequency and the size of your balls, or their ability to do their job. For that, you need leutenizing hormone to be released and that's not going to happen on a gram or more of test a week. Sorry, but the negative feedback loop is unaffected by the number of times you nut. Most chicks somehow already know that, so don't try for the empathy fuck either. It rarely works, unless your chick is really dumb.
You're beating off because it is the only thing left. It is what it is-- that's one of the things test can do to you and one of the things you might have to accept along with all the other shit. It hits some guys harder than others, but anyone on a heavy test cycle feels it. There have been a few times when this elevated sexual aggression has come in handy, but for the large majority of the time, it's going to be the other way around.
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